Crying in the Rain

Have you ever been so depressed that you simply stopped being? Deride of all human emotions you are just... numb?

That is exactly how I feel right now.

My face hasn't shown the slightest inch of smile since I found out.

I am too shocked for tears.

I burnt myself on a pan fresh out of the oven and it didn't hurt.

It simple was.

I feel like every dementor that ever was and is and will be is surrounding me.

That little saying "Smile if your not wearing underwear", that usually makes me crack up now does nothing. There is only one other time I can recall when I felt like this at all.

It was when I found out that my cousin had passed away. I remember it distinctly; it's hard to forget something like that.

It was an ordinary Saturday morning. I was just waking up, somewhere around nine, when I heard my mom yell. It wasn't the type of yell mothers use with their children when they shaved the cat, or with their husband when they ruined the pot roast for the dinner with the boss, it was a yell of anguish, of sorrow.

I ran to the top of the stairs to see what it was. My mom, sitting at her usual position at the kitchen table with her laptop simple says "Kaitlyn is dead!"

I couldn't believe it. I had to sit on the stair and hold onto the railing to steady myself. I don't know how long I sat there. I don't know how long it took for me to register what I heard, to put all of the pieces together. It didn't make any sense. Kaitlyn had been a perfectly healthy teenager girl just yesterday, and now.....

I didn't believe that she was dead until I saw her in her casket. It was then that the tears started to flow. This had been the forth dead body I had seen in my life, but this one was so out of place. The other three were my great-grandpa, great-grandma, and grandpa. But that wasn't so bad. I knew that it was their time to go. They were old, passed their prime, their time had come. But this sixteen year old girl, who still had her whole life ahead of her, was gone. She would never go to college, never get married, never have children and grandchildren to love, never... never anything ever again.

Yes, I believe in the Atonement and the Resurection, but a teenage girl who had just barely tasted life, dead, was a little hard for me to grasp. I understand now that her mission had been fulfilled and she is in a better place now, but it took me a while.

I simply checked my email, that's all. That is what brought my downfall. I would have found out soon enough, but not like this.

Lily and I were baking cookies in her easy bake oven, and I decided to check my email while they were cooking, and that's when I saw it.

An update from Facebook.

Kate Riker had posted in HCP Veterans "I got in!"

Shelby posted "LMP if you got in."

Slowly, all of the pieces of the puzzle fell together. If we had made it, mom would have told me by now.

I didn't "Like her post".

I confronted mom about this, and she did worse that confirm my deepest fears.

We were on the waiting list.

Our family had participated in the Hill Cumorah Pageant for 2008, 2009, and 2010. We were unable to do so this past summer because of finacial circumstances. It killed me. The first year I was able to audition for a part and I couldn't do it. I cried just about every day for those two weeks I would have been in New York. I couldn't stand to talk to any of my pageant friends.

And now, this year, what was going to be the greatest pageant of all, is now gone. I would have been able to audition for a part instead of simple being a Destruction Victim. I might have been a Harvest Dancer, or a Campfire Dancer, or even possibly a Nephite Dancer, but now I can't.

I didn't see it coming at all. I wouldn't let myself even think of the possibility. And now, instead of a simple rejection, I am going to have to wait months, possibly until June, to be told that I am not going. Double the amount of applicants have applied this year. Who knows how far down on the waiting list we are. We won't make it.

The tears still haven't come, which is almost bad. I want to cry, to bawl, to blubber, to sob, to just let out my emotions, but I can't. It won't come out.